A heart-warming read for all adopters

Linda Rosenbaum has poured her heart out in this book and I’m so grateful that she did. With each adoption memoir read, I wonder if I’ve reached saturation, if there is anything more to learn. And with each subsequent book, this one being no exception, I learn even more.

It is fascinating to read all about adoption from a child of the 60s, from someone who protested the Vietnam war and then moved from the USA to Canada. To read about how the adoption process was for them at the time (and to feel grateful for our current UK system which makes a nice change). To learn how far the medical world has come with regards in treatment and support for families of those suffering from mental illness and learning difficulties. To learn about foetal alcohol syndrome.

This is a great book and if you can overlook the heavy reference to religious concepts and ceremonies (which are in themselves interesting), you’ll get a lot out of it both during application and as an adopting parent.

Likes

1. Heart warming and honest. The more an author pours their heart out, the more real it all feels to me. And Linda Rosenbaum really pours it out for us. This is a warts and all account of what happened, how she felt, and what she did about it at each stage. The net effect is so relatable, and I took a lot of comfort from her words.
2. Tackles foetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). This is a big one. We all hear about it in the application process. There are warnings at almost every step. We know Foster For Adoption (FFA) babies may be too young to detect its effects, and that many children in care will have been touched by it to a degree. Yet we don’t really know what that means. What is parenting them like, day to day? What do they typically struggle with? How can parents best support them? And here friends, you’ll get a detailed example of what FAS is, how it can present and what to do about it. This alone makes the book a godsend.
3. An example of adopting 2 children (and how different they can both be). Many of us consider adopting siblings, or adopting one now and one in a few years. We wonder what that might be like. This book gives a great example of the second ‘one now, one later’ approach and the dynamics that can develop. It also gives plenty of examples of how Linda and her husband tried to best support the two sets of needs.
4. An insight into the Canadian system. It is always interesting to see how adoption works in other countries, and in this case, it is Canada. Though now over 20 years ago, their adoption included many of the challenges our current UK system does. And many that were much harder, which made me feel better about our lot.
5. A look at adoption into Jewish families. I’ve found Judaism to be both taboo and over-indexed in the contexts of Hollywood and Palestine. It is so interesting to read about adoption into a Jewish family, their traditions and the milestones in their children’s lives. I particularly enjoyed learning about how their family applied the power of ceremony in other areas of their lives (e.g. family milestones, the death of a pet). Adopting into a religious community clearly brings both a lot of support and some unique challenges depending on the religion.

Dislikes

1. 20 years old and based in Canada. This isn’t the most recent book you can find on adoption and though it is surprisingly still relevant in the main, some parts are now dated.
2. At times overly religious/pious. Though I found the Jewishness interesting, it did get in the way of what I came to learn about - the process of adopting and parenting two adopted siblings, one with a learning difficulty.
3. Less adoption application process and more life before and life as a parent. The memoir begins in her teens and takes quite a chunk of the book to get to the point of adoption. It’s interesting, but again is really just the wrapper around the core content for me - the adoption itself.
4. In pages, the journey to adoption part is longer than it might have needed to be, meaning some parenting aspects are shorter. Therefore the more recent life experiences are lightly touched on, meaning this book is more about parenting adopted children up until about the age of 16.

‘Sometimes people or things come into our lives unexpectedly, whether through birth, adoption or other fortunes of fate. It then becomes our job to love them.’

Learnings

• Adoption has come a long way, as has the medical world, in the last 40 or so years. We may have it hard in many ways, but really, it probably was harder back then.
• Childhood trauma is not well understood by mainstream institutions, was not then, is not now. But things are getting better.
• I used to think that labelling children (and adults) with medical conditions was unhelpful. This book and others have helped me realise that the diagnosis is the gateway families must pass through in order to gain access to support for their children’s needs. And that makes it worth it. That back when ‘clinically insane’ or ‘just a stage’ were the diagnoses, parents were left to fend for themselves. That ADHD and neurodiversity, along with FAS and other conditions are better known than not, so support can be obtained.
• That the UK has a pretty good system, and that Canada also has an NHS of sorts.
• The adopting one now and one later is absolutely possible, that the two children will grow up as siblings, and that it can work out.
• That one of the biggest lessons Linda learned was to come to accept her children and their needs/potential just as they are, not as she might have wanted them to be.

Quotes

• ‘If Michael was to get what he needed in his life, it would be up to Robin and me to get it for him. This was likely just the beginning.’
• ‘In the sixties, I was fighting to other people’s sons - the demonstrations, picketing, sit-ins, marches. We were all desperately trying to stop the war in Vietnam and bring our troops home to safety. Well, look how times change. “I don’t have to fight for other people’s sons anymore”, I continued, “I have to fight for my own”.’
• ‘Sometimes people or things come into our lives unexpectedly, whether through birth, adoption or other fortunes of fate. It then becomes our job to love them.’
• ‘Most people automatically compared his issues to those of their own kids…At first I felt hurt, angry and lonely. Nobody’s listening! It was hard to open up and too often when I did, it was a mistake. I never wanted sympathy, If I ever said anything, it was because I felt the need to talk or to seek advice.’
• ‘I never knew if people were trying to be comforting and helpful by always putting on positive spins, but I think a few people simply did lack empathy. I quickly learned to become careful about who it was I spoke to about Michael. I also learned to protect myself from judgement…I did however have limits as to how long I could hear other people, more distant from me, talk about their children’s accomplishments, especially if they didn’t know how lucky they were or took their blessings for granted.’
• ‘I guess I learned “how to do it” like anyone else would. I muddled through, did my best, pushed a little more than most people have to, drew upon everyone and everything I could to help me along, kept talking, had a few break-downs, took meds, crossed my fingers, prayed, hoped for good luck, cried, laughed, read mysteries, watched romantic comedies and pushed on. What exactly were the options?’

Recommendation

A great book for anyone looking to adopt, friends and family and adoptive parents alike. Linda’s style is disarming, honest and her humour helps make a story with plenty of turmoil and heartache easy to read. Her story has so many elements and likely each of us will have experienced one or two of them ourselves. Well worth a read.

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Amazing, but not recommended

I don’t think this often-recommended reading from Social Services should be anywhere near prospective adopters. It is 248 pages and it spells out in great scientific detail all the little ways that things go wrong when a child experiences trauma in-utero and in early childhood. It is fascinating, interesting, but I’d recommend avoiding it unless you have nerves of steel - because the news isn’t good.

Instead, I suggest reading this review and if pressed, reading the first 2 chapters and the 3rd section only - the ‘what can we do about it’ section.

The middle of Why Love Matters is like a long sermon on why children who experience trauma become traumatised and when it got to the in-utero section, I felt like my hopes for our future little ones were dashed against a wall. Until section 3 that is, when Sue Gerhardt mentions that we can actually repair the damage after all. But goodness me, 200 pages to get to the hope felt too long and made for hard going.

‘Good relationships depend on finding a reasonable balance between being able to track your own feelings at the same time as you track other people’s.’

Likes

1. The introduction and first 2 chapters are nothing short of brilliant - an incredible summary of modern Psychology. It really helps to understand where Psychologists are coming from, and the lense through which they see emotions and trauma. I had so many aha moments of realisation, see the quotes section below for a sample of them.
2. The ideas are well-researched and backed up. This is no lightweight who could be easily palmed off by the establishment, the author is compelling. What she says just makes sense. She’s really done her research and saved many the time in doing so. This is a manifesto for the study of early emotional development.
3. The summaries at the start of each section are great. If I could just read those, knowing that she then goes on to back them up thoroughly, I’d be happy and full of a renewed vigour to apply them. She does a great job of explaining how things work, what this means, and leaves you with a lasting certainty that early childhood matters. A lot.

Dislikes

1. This book is not written for us. It is an academic book, written for Social Services practitioners. While I am excited that the brilliance of the ideas and connections made are absorbed by Social Workers, Psychologists and biological parents across the nation, it is the opposite of the education and pep talk we need to encourage us to do this one big thing and provide a forever home to a child in need. If the need of such children was not so dire, it would almost be humorous how unsuitable it is for prospective adopters. This book has the potential to put people off unnecessarily, at a time when there is a shortage of forever homes for the UK’s children in care.
2. It is clinical and hard going. It makes no attempt to be a balanced view. It is a cold, hard look at trauma and its effects. It takes 200 pages to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Most won’t make it that far. I began to skim read by page 150 out of sheer desperation for some respite. Like having the causes of trauma carefully explained, along with graphic examples of traumatised children and their woes. While we seek as prospective adopters to understand the causes of trauma, my desire is to focus on what we can do about it rather than drowning in causes for several hours of hard reading.
3. The graphic examples of criminals. These suggest more of a connection between trauma and criminality than real life suggests. Yes, most criminals seem to have had traumatic childhoods. But this does not mean all traumatised children are condemned to this fate. Nurture, our nurture as future parents, is far more important than comes across.
4. The academic language - why not just spell it out and keep it simple? Who are we trying to impress here? Little-used words are harder to understand
5. The references. Every second sentence seems to be referenced. More than half a dozen a page at times! It’s like reading a footnote and frankly, I don’t care about which study is being referenced. If I wanted to look them up, give me a footnote.
6. The complex language makes it hard to at times latch on to the big ideas (and there are several). This is vital, because the author makes some absolutely brilliant points - but they are lost in the endless repetition of referenced studies and case examples.

‘It seems to be the process of putting feelings into words that enables the left and right brains to become integrated. When words accurately describe feelings, they can then be blended into a coherent whole.’

Learnings

• Mum’s emotional state is important during pregnancy, as genetic markers pass down feelings and establish stress responses appropriate to the world the baby will be born into
• Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs are very damaging to the foetus, particularly in brain development.
• The first 1,000 days are just as important than in-utero, if not more so and the harms done prior to birth can be completely corrected by loving, attentive parenting.
• Sleep training is an incredibly bad idea from the perspective of studies on brain and emotional development.
• Calm, attentive parents are the single most important thing in the first 3 years of life and studies show that it is less likely this will be found in daycare.
• Emotional and social support for parents of young children the most effective social investment a society can make

Quotes

• ‘When parents struggle to meet the needs of their babies, because they are depressed, lonely, poorly equipped to regulate themselves…then the delicate processes of early development can become skewed and the same difficulties in regulating arousal can be passed on.’
• ‘The harm done to one generation need not be transmitted to the next: a damaged child need not inevitably become a damaged and damaging parent’
• ‘…it is no good trying to “discipline” a baby or to expect a baby to control its behaviour, since the brain capacity to do so does not yet exist.’
• ‘Babies come into the world with a need for social interaction to help develop and organise their brains. If they don’t get enough empathetic, attuned attention…then important parts of their brains simply will not develop as well.’
• ‘Roughly speaking, the first 1,000 days is uniquely significant, because this is when the nervous system itself is being established and shaped by experience. During this period, how parents behave has as much influence on their child’s emotional make-up as his or her genetic inheritance.’
• ‘…what seems to be most crucial for the baby is the extent to which the parent or caregiver is emotionally available and present for him, to notice his signals and to regulate his states.’
• ‘Parents are really needed to be a sort of emotion coach.’
• ‘Parents bring the baby into this more sophisticated emotional world by identifying feelings and labelling them clearly.’
• ‘Good relationships depend on finding a reasonable balance between being able to track your own feelings at the same time as you track other people’s.’
• ‘When we are babies, our brains are socially programmed by the older members of our community, so that we adapt to the particular family and social group we must live among.’
• ‘It seems to be the process of putting feelings into words that enables the left and right brains to become integrated. When words accurately describe feelings, they can then be blended into a coherent whole.’
• ‘The X factor, the mystery tonic that enables babies to flourish as soon as they get it, is responsiveness.’

Recommendation

Read a book summary to get the gist, or if pressed by your Social Worker, then read chapters 1 and 2, then the third section from page 200 onwards. You’ll get an insight into early brain development and end with empowering ideas on what can be done in early childhood to help heal an adopted child.

This is a fascinating read for those with an iron constitution, but isn’t recommended for the rest of us.

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The UK adoption process is what it is. Confusing, broken, slow and at times frustrating - but it is also the path to parenthood for several thousand good people a year. It is what we have to work with and with patience and dedication, it works.

One thing I wish we had known before starting - that ‘2 + 4 months’ for stages 1 and 2 was likely to be more like 1 to 3 years in our case (drawn out by being too honest about a house move). We still would have gone ahead with it, but would have been better able to plan renovations on the house, career moves and saving up had we known.

But for now, let’s take a look at the stages.

1) Signing up (2 weeks)

• Whether going with your local authority such as Adoption North East/Adopt London, or an agency such as Barnado’s or PACT, the first stage is to register your interest
• Email received
• Call booked in
• Call with introduction team
• Booked onto an interest call (may include a ‘meet the adopters’ element)

2) Stage 1 (4-6 months)

• Case Worker Social Worker assigned
• Paperwork completed, references given - there is a lot of this, and it takes weeks to complete
• ID and DBS check
• eLearning courses
• Volunteering → just do it
• Adoption preparation course

• A 4 day compulsory course (weekdays 9-5)
• Everything they think you need to know
• Hard-hitting videos of potential background scenarios
• Group activities
• Q&A with Foster parents / adopters
• Details on process and support materials.

3) Stage 2 (6-12 months)

• Invited to proceed by case worker manager
• Social Worker (SW) assigned
• 40 hours of Social Worker meetings (over 6-8 home visits)
• Tasks assigned (house modifications, reading list etc.)
• Report written up (50-75 pages)
• Panel - a Teams call with 5+ people to answer questions
• Panel approval given, then a week’s wait, then Social Services Management approval

One thing I wish we had known before starting is that the ‘2 + 4 months’ for stages 1 and 2 was going to be more like 1 to 3 years in our case.

4) Matching approval (1-2 months)

• Your Social Worker is approached by a Family Finder SW with possible matches

• Or, you can use LinkMaker within the region to send expressions of interest (or nationally after some pushing) but don’t have to
• Or, if going down the Adoption Agency (PACT/Barnado’s) route, you and your case worker use Link Maker to search and express interest

• Call with your SW to hear their summary
• If you are interested, a profile is sent over (note: 1 at a time rule)
• Meet with Family finder (call or in person)
• If match is approved by Family finder, meet Child SW
• If approved, apply to Matching panel
• Matching panel (often same people as approval panel) Teams call
• Match approved
• Introductory meetings (park, their place, your place)

5) Moving in (1-3 months)

• Adoption

• Social Worker matches you with prospective children
• You can agree or decline with comments to each match
• You can use LinkMaker but don’t need to
• Matching paen agreed
• Introductory meetings (park, their place, your place)
• Move in

• Foster for adoption

• You wait
• Your Social Worker contacts you at 11th hour
• You can agree or decline with comments to each match
• Children move in within days or weeks commonly
• You are monitored closely by your SW, receive random visits, take your child to contact with birth parents, and apply for adoption

6) Post adoption (1 year)

• Regular visits from Social worker for x months, until you decide to switch it off. Then on-demand support only.
• Adoption

• May be slower, but more choice, less risk
• You are the adopter, are not paid anything
• No access with parents (letterbox xmas letter)
• In 6-12 months the courts confirm your legal status as parents

• Foster for adoption

• May be faster, but less choice, more risk
• You are a foster parent, are paid a small amount per month
• Weekly access with parents
• Legal process for 6-12 months → Adopt

Conclusion:

The process not easy and the odds are it will take longer than what it says on the tin (e.g. 6 months end to end). Ours took 2.5 years from information evening to moving in, for example.

• This is the long game - you will get there, but it will take longer than they say it will
• Stage 1 will feel like proving yourselves, stage 2 like an interrogation (from your Social Worker, who by this stage feels like someone who is on your team) and the approval panel will feel like a bit of an anticlimax after all this effort
• The matching process is really the matching approval process and requires more patience and staying positive
• You will need to move it along at times
• I suggest omitting certain details in order to put your best foot forward (e.g. renovations, moving house and having tenants/lodgers/AirBnB guests are best just done in the background and resolved before you reach the end of the process).

Lastly and most importantly, this is quite possibly the biggest thing you will ever do. The biggest gift to a little one(s) and to society as a whole. Thank you for even considering it and I hope you do decide to follow it and create a forever home.

Finding it a bit confusing where to get information on how adoption works and where to get started? You are not alone. And the good news is, you are in the right place if you are in the UK.

Let’s run you through what it is, how it works and where to find out more.

Spoiler warning: First step is to contact your Local Authority or Regional Adoption Agency (search here).

What is adoption?

Adoption is the process that results in an adult (or two) becoming the legal guardians of a child (or two).

How long does adoption take?

Likely 1-3 years. You’ll find it hard to get a straight answer on this question throughout the process. 1-3 years is what we have gathered from adopters we have met. In our case it took 2 years. You may hear ‘as little as 6 months’, but this excludes waiting for availability of bookings and social workers - both key areas of delays.

What are the stages to adopt?

There are a number of stages (described nicely here), which at a high level are:

1. Registration of interest - Information evenings
2. Stage 1 - Application and training course
3. Stage 2 - Social worker visits, report writing, panel decision
4. Matching and moving in - shortlisting, meeting and coming home
5. Post-placement support - Social worker support through the first months
6. Adoption order - a court makes the adoption legal → you are legal parents!

What stages do children go through?

At a high level, children often experience something like:

1. Removal into Police custody (often 2 days)
2. Placement into Foster family
3. Move to another Foster family (if initial goes on holiday etc.)
4. Meet prospective adopters
5. Move into a forever home ❤️
6. Legally adopted

Paths to adoption

There are two main routes people go down to become adopters: Adoption and FFA.

1. Adoption is the traditional route, where a child is in Foster care (months or years) until matched with prospective adopters and moves into their forever home. 12-18 months after moving into their forever home, they are legally adopted via the courts. Until 2024, this was by far the most common route. Children are generally 18 months old - 8 years old.
2. FFA, or Foster For Adoption, is an alternative path, where infants or babies are placed directly to prospective adopters, who foster them on behalf of the state, take them to weekly contact sessions with their birth parents, and 9-18 months later, adopt the child legally through the courts. Children are generally 0-12 months old. FFA has grown in popularity due to the early intervention, is often seen as better for the child and results in adoption of a younger child. It comes with a small (2-3%?) risk of the court deciding to move the child back in with the birth family.

Who to talk to

I’d suggest starting with your Local Authority or big brother Regional Adoption Agency (search here) - they in my opinion are your best information source and have the widest range of options available.

Or, talk to an Adoption Agency like PACT or Barnado’s - both of whom have good reputations.

There are 3 types of adoption agencies, as described here:

1. Local Authority
2. Regional Adoption Agency (groups of Local Authorities)
3. Voluntary Adoption Agencies (often charities).

Voluntary Adoption Agencies (e.g. PACT or Barnado’s) help Local Authorities with children who are hardest to place. It is a wonderful thing to take on such children, but most find starting with their Local Authorities first makes sense. Unless you are open to adopting siblings (considered hard to place), or want to search the national database of children on Link Maker - when PACT and Barnado’s both make sense.

Local Authorities seemed the best option for us at the time, as we had the option of adopting a baby (via FFA Foster For Adoption), and felt like we’d get first look at kids in our region who received placement order and came up for adoption. This was true, and it worked for us. But it wasn’t without its own problems - Social Services are underfunded, paranoid of making a mistake and the process keeps changing - making it at times slower and more frustrating than the experience of those we’ve met who went through PACT or Barnado’s for example.

Explore both options I’d suggest, and go with your heart. You can always move between Local Authority and Voluntary Adoption Agency later once approved, if you find they haven’t been proactive enough on your part.

Things to be aware of

They will try to scare you. Don’t be put off by the scare tactics used in the first information session, government websites, stage 1 application forms, or training materials. Social Services are underfunded and fearful of being singled out for not sharing a perceived risk - so they will throw everything at you, just to be sure. You’ll walk away certain that all children in care have ALL the known challenges, and that your life as an adopter will be a living hell.

Every child is different. As with any situation, your mileage may vary. Your adopted child will come with a unique background and will have a unique personality. Odds are, it will be harder than parenting a biological child (sad, but true). But given the choice of no children or taking on one with a speckled past to save them (and society) from a life of being in care, thankfully thousands take the leap.

It’s a sales process. This is a sales process, make no mistake. Step into the Local Authority’s shoes for a moment - they have a lot of children who need forever homes, but are fearful of making a mistake and placing one into an unsuitable environment. So don’t share everything, especially things that while common, don’t look good on paper. Your job is to ensure they see you as a suitable environment in stage 1. Their job is in stage 2 to craft a sales pitch for why you should be approved, and once approved, their job is to sell you the benefits of a particular little one.

It costs to adopt, just like it costs to become a biological parent, only perhaps a bit more. One of you will need to take 6-12 months off work on moving in, and you’ll need to prepare to show that you can afford this.

Stay put. Don’t make the mistake we did of thinking you need to buy a bigger house to stand a chance in adopting - you don’t. I suggest staying where you are, starting the process and only if you decide you must move during the process do so - and only tell the Social Worker when you have completed (else you will introduce delays, as we did, while waiting to complete). Better yet, move house after you adopt and get to know your child and what you need.

Conclusion

Adoption is in my opinion one of the biggest gifts you can give another person - a forever home and a safe and secure upbringing, and certainly the biggest you can give society. You are a hero for even considering it. Thank you, from all of us.

And if you decide to proceed with it, you are not alone. Seek out adopters near you, join groups and ask for help. We are one big family in the end. 🙂

Let’s get started.

The big learnings

First, here is a list of some of the big realisations we had during the application process and now have, looking back on it.

1. The system works for the children, not for you. This took me some time to work out. I assumed Social Services as a public service, would also work for us as prospective adopters and taxpayers. Not so. Every risk-avoiding process, invasive question you are asked and hoop you have to jump through is there for one reason - to minimise the chance of making a mistake and giving a child into unsuitable care, resulting in harm to the child, a failed adoption or even worse, public admission of failure. They are measured on number of placements, placement success rate and not a lot else. They are not measured on prospective adopter satisfaction, and so it is a distant last in priorities. This is why the system is so flawed, slow, frustrating and unkind. Once we realised this, we reset our expectations and actually were pleased that the system cared so much for our children. We could see better what would happen, be asked and how to respond to satisfy the questions put to us.
2. This is a sales process. Because the system works for the children, this is a selling situation, You are selling your services as a parent and Social Services are buying it (on behalf of children in their care). It may feel at times like there is a shortage of people looking to adopt (there is) and that you can relax and let your guard down. Don’t. Even though there is a shortage of prospective adopters, the system is set up to avoid risk. Don’t give them fuel for their fires. Be nice and shiny and new - they won’t dig beyond it and will take you are you are - a great potential parent. Make it easy for them to assess you as a well-rounded prospective parent with lots to offer the children in their care.
3. The system is both hypervigilant and fears the unknown. Ironically, many of the characteristics shared by children who have suffered trauma. Perhaps then the way to meet this system is therapeutic - being understanding of the past trauma and pain in the system, the frustration and lack of funding, and the lack of people and time available to process your application. This thought helped us remain calm and positive when certain things dragged on more than they should have.
4. Becoming a parent is worth waiting for. This is the biggest learning and I’m so happy to be able to share it, now looking back. All the twists and turns along the way fade away once you clap eyes on your little one(s) and take them home. Then you are just a parent. Just, finally, a parent.
5. You will be a great parent. How do I know this? Because you are going to be better prepared than most, and most people do alright as parents. However, those same people are typically not ready to become parents when their biological children arrive. At most they’ve had 9 months to plan, whereas you have likely had 3+ years. They might read a book and talk to their mum or their friends about what it will be like, whereas you will have extensive training and preparation. Thousands of people have got through this before you, and you can too.

The system works for the child, not for you and this means it is a selling situation - you are selling your services as a prospective parent and Social Services are buying. Your goal is to satisfy them that you make the grade, whatever they decide it is.

Things to do

Here is just a short list of things that you might like to think about focusing on during the process.

• Remember - you are a hero. This is maybe the most giving, socially responsible, loving and downright amazing thing you could do in your life. As a foster parent put it to our adoption preparation group: ‘what you are doing is amazing. Thank you for being amazing’. Just keep this in your heart and pat yourself on the back at every turn. Seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart for even considering to give a child a future. This is big. 💌
• Think about the child and what is best for them. It is so important to keep them front and centre in your mind throughout the process. They are the ONLY thing that matters here, not how long the process takes, not the invasive and embarrassing questions they might ask, or any of the rest of it. You becoming a parent and them getting a forever home and a great life - that is all. that. matters.
• Put your best foot forward, again and again. This is a job interview, maybe the most important one in your lives. Show you are keen to adopt, give enough background to show that you have lived a life too, that you h
• Show that you have lived a life too. They want to know that you have experienced loss, hardship and adversity in your life. And most of us have, so include it and don’t be embarrassed about it. They want to know how you then overcame it and recovered, so include that too. You want to look your best, but be seen as someone who can empathise with a child who has experienced loss and perhaps trauma.
• Volunteer. Both of you, during stage 1, no matter what. It’s just easier. Ask for a referral letter from the agency and start cold-calling and emailing local daycare centres and Scouts/Girl guides for an hour a week for 6 weeks. It’s one of the best things we did and is not required but seems to be asked for late in the piece and cause in some cases months of delays while it is set up and completed. Keep a volunteer diary of what happened that day and what you learned. And give it to the adoption agency afterwards. It will help you learn and will show them you are sincere. 😄
• Tune in to heart-warming adoption-related content. Books the most, movies and podcasts if you prefer. You’ll soon notice that adoption comes up in shows you watch or books you read a lot more than you previously realised. Notice that, seek some of these out and start with those that are heartwarming. Read about people who grew up in care and made it in the world, watch shows where a character might be adopted but have a happy ending. You need to look after yourself and there is plenty of time for more serious stories later - in the training and reading list they give you in stage 2.
• Find people who have done it before. Even more than any other new thing in life, here you will massively benefit from asking questions of those who have been there and done that. Ask around your family and friends for people who have been adopted, have adopted or work at an Adoption Agency. Reach out and ask them for a chat, then pepper them with questions and worries. This is where you can be totally honest about your very human hopes and fears. This is the only place to be totally honest and it is important you have the outlet and the insights they will give you.
• Set up a prospective adopters WhatsApp group with your fellow adoption preparation course attendees and use it to ask questions and support each other.
• Tell your friends, family and colleagues about it. There is a lot of shame involved in not being able to have children. I know, because I’ve been there. A great way to move past this is to just share a little bit here and there with people you like and trust. Just that you are thinking about adopting will be enough in most cases for people to shower you with good wishes, tell you how awesome you are, and even offer to connect you to their sister or friend who adopted. This is how we sourced a lot of advice and friends. A lot of their advice features on these pages.

Things to avoid

Here is a list of things you might like to be aware of and to minimise during the process.

• Don’t believe everything you are told. Your friendly Social Services take a tough love approach to educating prospective adopters, partly to flush out those who are determined. The adoption application process therefore drowns you in all the things that could go wrong or be difficult. This comes from the assumption that if they don’t share the full story, people might back out of adoptions. We know this has gone too far because the number of prospective adopters is down about 50% on several years ago, while number of children waiting in care continues to grow. Clearly a readjustment is needed. And how does this effect you? Take a step back, get some perspective and remember - no-one on earth has all the health challenges known - so it is unlikely your future children will. Yes, trauma leaves scars of all natures and yes they may have elevated support needs compared to a biological child. But there are plenty biological children with far more needs. The odds are, it will probably not be as bad as they make out during the application process.
• Don’t be too honest about:

• Your finances - treat them like the bank when going for a mortgage. Show the basics correctly (amount you earn, amount of mortgage) but ensure that the sheet shows that you have enough left over each month now and after adoption when one parent is not working. The goal is to show that you realise adoption will lead to increase in costs and decrease in income from you taking time off - but you’ll still have plenty of buffer.
• Plans to renovate or move - just don’t mention either. I know of cases where an extension was done during stage 2, or major building work during stage 1, and where some people purchased and moved while in stage 1. If you do mention either, they will force you to do the work or buy and move in and settle, before continuing. Given the process is going to take 1-3 years, I’d start the process, buy a house and move (but only if we wanted to and could afford it), then tell Social Services about it when it comes up. The same goes for doing that renovation - don’t mention it, just do it, then casually mention it. They don’t worry about what they don’t know, and ultimately it seems reasonable to improve your home situation a bit to prepare for a family.
• Your natural worries and uncertainties. How ridiculous to say this, but this is a popularity contest, and the judges might get raked over the coals if they put someone forward who shouldn’t have been. So don’t give them any reason to doubt you, even though you will be feeling doubt if you have a beating heart. Just show interest and give yourself the chance to decide in due course.
• How hard you tried to have kids yourselves first. Yes I know, most of us did try to get pregnant naturally or via IVF, but don’t go on about it. List it, that it was difficult, and how you sought counselling and did yoga to get over it. They need to know that you are over it. Even though you probably aren’t, and in the case of a miscarriage shouldn’t be ever expected to be. This stuff is extremely hard, but just remember - it’s a job interview and they have to take seriously any red flags you raise.
• How many partners you each lived with over the years. Believe it or not, every single partner you lived with will be contacted for a reference. Awkward much? Yes. So just give them 1 or 2 each when doing the life journey forms. You don’t need to mention living with the others.
• Your medical situation. When you go to your local GP, explain what you are doing this for and they will support you in passing the medical. Of course they will, they know you and respect what you are doing. Don’t fill the form with tests and worries, or you will have delays. Months of delays. People get declined for silly health-related things we know many biological parents have. The system isn’t practical about health issues, it feels compelled to control out any risks that are discovered.

• You don’t need a room per child. ‘You’ll need a room per child if you want to be considered for siblings’ was the advice a few years back, but is no longer a thing. You do not need a bedroom per child. Most sibling groups want to continue to share a room anyway it seems, so you’ll have plenty of time to think about that in future. Move house if you want to, but don’t stretch to be more attractive on paper. It just isn’t necessary.
• Don’t shoot the messenger. Though you might get annoyed and frustrated, don’t complain to the the people who run it. Be sweet and helpful and organised and persistent (’are we nearly there yet?’ is great), but never mention thinking about pulling out. Never attack the messenger -(and that’s all your Case worker or Social worker are). It’s OK to push for next steps and to follow up, but just like you would think twice about hiring someone who complained about their past employer or how long it took you to book the interview in, just turn up and show willing at each stage.

Remember - you are a hero for even considering adoption. This is maybe the most giving, socially responsible, loving and downright amazing thing you could do with your life. Give yourself a hug of thanks, from all of us. 😊

Conclusion:

This is a process and it happens to be one that involves a government department. So don’t expect it to be rapid or organised or logical. Expect to need to look your best, learn from others around you and you will get through it.

And above all else, remember that you are the hero of this story - Adopting is an amazing gift to a child and the world around them. Thank you for even considering it and good luck!!!

So let’s demystify it.

Our experience

In the end, ours was a fairly straight forward, even pleasant step in our 2 year+ journey to parenthood. I’ll break down the day, what you can expect and talk about how to prepare for it in a moment, but when I summarise it to friends and family now - I say it was in some ways an anticlimax after so much preparation in Stage 2. A formality that followed a lot of effort getting ready. I hope it is that way for you also when your day comes.

What happens on the day?

Here is a list of what you can expect on the day and following, and how to prepare.

After the panel

If approved:

• Panel Administrator (Pascale) meets with agency decision maker a week to 10 days later (on 29/1 at 5pm) and you get informed via Social Worker following that. We might not get it until the morning after.

If not approved:

• You and Social Worker go away and work on the recommended actions (training, life admin)
• Then you can book a second panel date when those items have been addressed

In our case we were lucky enough to get a unanimous approval, so a strong pass, and then waited impatiently for the 9 days until formal approval from Agency Decision Maker.

What we learned:

• We felt really well prepared and were grateful to our Social Worker for this. The reading and talking in Stage 2, the conversations we’d had between us about ‘1 or 2’ and ‘which ages would you consider’ calmed us. We felt like we had done the school year, sat the exam and were just waiting for the results to be read back to us. And a bit like this was another exam.
• The panelists seemed like good people, giving their time to do a good thing - assess and approve you as being suitable to become adoptive parents of children in need. We liked them and found their questions quite reasonable on the whole.
• We weren’t being interviewed, our Social Worker was. This became clear as the panel questions began - they were asking them of our Social Worker primarily, not of us. They’d been reading her report, and were seeking clarification on her professional opinion. The poor thing she looked quite nervous, though she did really well. We actually sat back and let it happen, just adding our own thoughts at the end of each answer.
• It isn’t about the questions. Some of the questions will seem a bit obvious, but they have to ask something! It felt like the panelists needed to ask some questions, but really only to confirm what they had already learned from reading the report and discussing our case.

How to make it easier on yourself

• Make space for panel. Clear your diary in the week leading up to panel. Book only nice, nurturing and gentle things in and put the DIY, the rushing about and the life admin on hold. This deserves complete focus and will be extremely draining and all consuming. I couldn’t think about much else during this week, and perhaps that’s for the best. It is important and it deserves the time spent on it.
• Simple and positive answers are all you need. Because it isn’t about the answers you give, because the report and the Social Worker’s answers are most of the game, you can just add a little bit to his or her responses on your behalf, and only if you feel it is needed. We liked adding a bit to each of her answers, and used this to opportunity re-emphasise the main point she had made.
• Be gentle with yourself (and each other). Like any major milestone in life, going to panel
• Make sure you celebrate after panel. It may, like ours, feel like a bit of an anticlimax. You’ve worked so hard for so many months (if not years) to get to this point, and once you get the yes from panel, there just isn’t the fanfare and warm congratulations you might have expected. Everyone reminds you this is just part of the approval, and you’ve got to wait for the formal Area Manager approval. Where is the big ‘well done!’? Where is the ‘what you are doing is so amazing, and we think you’ll be great parents’? Lost in the formality of the system. So congratulate yourselves. Tell your people and hug and cheer. You’ve come a long way, baby and approval here general means formal approval will follow. This is a huge step forward and panel approval is a strong vote of confidence by people who have read your whole story.

Final thoughts

The adoption panel is built up during stages 1 and 2 as the big finale at the end of the process, but the reality is that it isn’t the end of the process and therefore isn’t the finale at all.

After the panel comes the wait for final approval, then the whole matching process with a matching panel. so though ‘panel’ (application panel) is important, it is not the end.

It is scary but it shouldn’t be. There is actually nothing to be done once you get there, you’ve already put all the hard work into the application and your Social Worker has already asked you all the questions the panel might later ask.

Their is no failing panel - only a ‘please go away, address these things, then come back to us’. If you don’t get a passing vote from the 5 panelists, then you will receive a list of things to be worked on, courses to do, things to fix on the house to go away and do. Then you’ll try again.

I hope this helped demystify ‘panel’ as actually a fairly straight forward Teams call with a likely pass outcome. It isn’t the end of the application process, but it is an important milestone on the way to forming your family.

The causes

Here are just some of the causes behind this unfortunate situation

• Each Adoption Agency is audited periodically by Ofsted (you know, the same Ofstead that cause Teachers to commit suicide after negative audits of schools) and that means that each agency must look squeaky clean. Even if they drop the ball or forget your application along the way, it will never be their fault. Even if something important is not mentioned to you during the application and it delays you by months, the agency will make out that it is your fault.
• Social services staff are measured on their ability to present a nice happy process, especially where things went wrong. Delays will always be your fault on paper. They will always appear blameless. Lack of resources or 15+ years of selfish right-wing governments will never be mentioned.
• The system is old, clunky, runs on out of date tech sold into Government by dodgy IT vendors (then never set up correctly) and is full of red tape. Yes, the forms you receive will likely be MS Word and almost impossible to work with. But that will not be their fault, it will appear yours, but it isn’t.
• Social services are governed by a ‘child centric’ policy, which assumes that that child is innocent of all things. So it’s not the kid’s fault (and really it isn’t). If they act up, if the break things, social services will consider them innocent. Not your fault.
• Parents are considered innocent too. Now, young parents of minimal means and education (and perhaps learning difficulties) can be forgiven for getting into a state of having a child they cannot care for. But the system will consider them completely innocent of all things at all times - in a way will at times feel like they are pointing the finger at you instead. Not your fault.
• There is an unspoken feeling that you probably tried to have children yourself before entering this process (how dare you dream to be parents like everyone else!) and it may feel at times like Social Workers (who undoubtedly will be biological parents themselves) are lording this over you. But this isn’t your fault.

The reality - it just isn’t your fault

So let’s think this through for a moment. Here you are, living your life quite happily and thinking it would be nice to have children. Maybe you have one and can’t have another. Maybe you can’t have kids and want one. Yes, this is amazing and you deserve a medal for considering it.

Yes, the children you adopt will have likely come from a difficult place, else they wouldn’t be taken into care and put up for adoption.

But no, this is just not your fault

• The system is broken, underfinded and on its knees
• The courts are understaffed and taking too long to process adoption orders
• Social services are underfunded and overstretched
• The birth parents have had a tough time and don’t want their kids to go into care
• Children in care have had a tough time and have their own pasts to contend with

And none of this is your fault. You are the solution here, not the problem.

What to do about it

So what can you do when faced with a series of situations in the course of adopting that make you feel like the blame is being pointed at you?

Here are some scenarios you may encounter and how to rationalise them:

Final thoughts

I hope this rant has helped you to see that the adoption process is geared to educating normal people to become superhuman parents, in order to quietly and subserviently raise adopted children who are difficult through no fault of their own, their birth parents, their families, foster parents, social services or society. And that this is all your fault somehow.

Well I’m here to tell you that all of these people are to blame for the situation to a greater or lesser extent (with the exception of the child themselves). And the only ones who are certainly not to blame, and are in fact the heroes on the white steeds, riding in to save the day, are you.

Though it may feel like the system points at you for not being able to have children and makes you feel like you deserve this subservient lifestyle - you don’t. You are just as important as anyone else alive and you deserve a medal for considering adopting.

You have rights, including the right to be safe, happy and loved and the sooner the process realises that, the sooner the decline in number of prospective adopters will reverse and more children will find forever homes.

The book all adopters need to read

It was really through reading this book of Sally Donovan’s that I understood the whole process of addition in the UK, end to end. Understood it, saw it for what it is, and accepted it. This book took me in, comforted me that I wasn’t alone in going through the highs and lows of the application process. It showed that it is all worth it in the end, explained what matching and moving in looks like and helps answer the big question - what will it be like learning to parent in an instant family?

If you read one book, let it be this one.

Likes

So firstly, here are the things I enjoyed about it.

1. Her voice. It is a rare talent to write clearly, passionately and personally, without losing the audience along the way. Sally Donovan is a master and I would happily read anything she writes in her honest style.
2. A step by step guide. Here you will get a clear idea of every step in the adoption process. Clearly laid out and easy to follow.
3. Warts and all. Sally doesn’t pull any punches and this is important. We need to and want to know what parenting looked after children might be like, and she gives us the highs and the lows.
4. A little bit of humour. It’s important to see the lighter side of such a drawn out and bittersweet process and I really enjoyed the social commentary and all the ‘i shouldn’t laugh but…’ moments in this book when she cleverly defines a stereotype we all know.
5. It is fair. She doesn’t judge people, both those who help and hinder her and judge her and her family along the way. She explains what might be motivating each person they encounter and she is extremely insightful.

“The adoption process is a rollercoaster ride. There are moments of pure joy, followed by crushing disappointment. It’s a constant balancing act of hope and despair.”

Dislikes

1. It could have been longer. I was sad when it ended and felt like the latter years could have been drawn out. It feels a bit clipped at the end.
2. Perhaps she is a bit too fair on some of the actors. Some got off a bit lightly.
3. Though a lot of how to deal with this situation advice is included, I would have liked even more to help me on my own learning journey.

Learnings

• Parenting is hard, and adoption is harder
• Biological parents have trouble understanding how different effective adoptive parenting is from their own methods
• Family are the rock, even if they first don’t understand
• Though it is a hard process, it is absolutely worth it to adopt (in my humble view)
• The process takes a lot longer than we expect, starting out
• Children can surprise us with how delayed they are emotionally at first, then later, how much the weight lifts when healing has occurred and the burden of shame is lifted

-

Quotes

• ‘The adoption process is a rollercoaster ride. There are moments of pure joy, followed by crushing disappointment. It’s a constant balancing act of hope and despair.’
• ‘No matter what life throws your way, you have the strength to overcome it. Resilience is a gift, and it’s one that I’m incredibly grateful for.’

Recommendation

I am so grateful to have been recommended this book and I hope you both read and enjoy it. Reading it, I felt like I had discovered my tribe, parents to be like me and this bought great comfort.

And most importantly, I remember looking up from the page at one point and thinking ‘OK, so this is what it is like and I’m going to do it, I’m going to be a dad’, and smiling. 😁

It left me wanting more, so I went on to read her next - The unofficial guide to adoptive parenting.

Get the book

borrow / buy book / buy ebook

It all got too much

Perhaps it took 10 weeks of 3.5+ hour sessions to finally get under my skin. Perhaps it was learning that there are over 2,000 children in the UK currently waiting for adoption. Perhaps it was attending the ‘Thinking about two (or more)’ training, where they revealed that over half the children awaiting forever homes are siblings, then shared all the reasons siblings are hard in a weird kind of tough love sermon.

Or maybe it was just the straw that broke the prospective adopter’s back.

Dropping like flies

But seriously, what the hell? Is this some kind of sick joke? Is this process set up by people trying to put prospective adopters off? Because if so, it is certainly working.

Of the 10 couples that went into the 4 day Adoption prep course with us, only 5 couples remain. That’s right, somewhere between prep training and the end of the 10 weeks of social worker visits, half of the couples either pulled out or were disqualified.

And here’s the kicker - in my unprofessional opinion, they would all make great parents. I base this on getting to know them, and a lifetime of knowing biological parents and their often far greater quirks. The system is putting people off and is disqualifying potential parents, all while deserving children wait. It needs rebalancing.

What a waste

I just keep coming back to why we are all here. Why you are likely reading this. Why I’m writing it. Why anyone goes through adoption - To give little people who deserve a home, a home. Every question, every test, every bit of reading, every invasive question into fine details of our relationships, they should all be there only if they further this cause.

And quickly. There is urgency about the 1,000 children who are waiting at any given moment, or the 2-3,000 children each year who need homes. Each month they wait, they collect more uncertainty, their brains don’t develop in the ways they would if they had loving and attentive forever parents, and the ways they interact with the world and regulate their emotions are hard-wired incorrectly as a result.

So surely, surely, the only thing that matters is to find appropriate parents for these children, and to do so as quickly as possible.

And yet, here we are.

What really got my goat

I think it was the combination of having to write a third copy of a document describing our childcare experience, directly after a social worker session where we mentioned that our friends and prospective adopters were pulling out of the process. A session where we asked for introductions to others near us who are going through the process, so we could support each other. A session where we were told that those details can’t be shared because it is a breach of privacy.

We asked in that session why there are not Adopter groups automatically, opt-in of course, but a real thing, just like an NCT group for biological parents. NCT group friendships often last a lifetime and let’s be honest, everything in this process has set the expectation for adoption to be ‘parenting plus’, so surely we need support even more than biological parents to be!!

And yet there is nothing. No support group beyond those who were on the prep course with us, and those are falling like flies.

So being asked to again share our extensive childcare experience as individuals and as a couple, yes, this tipped me over the edge.

If I could, I would…

I would love to fix this system. Given half the chance, I’m sure a lot of us would. I’d sit the powers that be down, start at the beginning with the number of children needing homes, the number of prospective adopters, and draw out the flows.

What is the shortest route to match we could put in place? What is ‘good enough’ to become an adoptive parent? And why on earth are we still doing all the rest of it? There is no prize for endless delays while endless questions are asked and reports are written. In fact, the irony is, that the well-intentioned questions and their delays are directly harming the children who wait.

So why did we keep going?

Because those children are the most important thing there is to me. Because I want to be a dad. Because there is something, no matter how annoyed or hurt or frustrated I get, something deep inside me, that will do whatever it takes to become a parent.

This still feels like the most important thing I will ever do. I’ve never said that about anything in my life before.

You are a hero. At very least to your little person(s). Certainly to the friends and family around you. I would say to society at whole.

And so we continue.

If you are going through or have gone through the process of adoption, and if you are feeling any of these things, then I salute you. I’d hug you if I could.

And I’m not just talking about the sheer cost of looking after a child through 18 years of foster care and support services. I’m talking about a direct expression of what our community, our society, should be like. Of what being human should be like.

We look out for each other. We are social animals. We are not alone, though we might at times have felt it.

And this is something we can do, so we do it.